A Lord's Lady's Thoughts

Today is a wonderful day, a day the Lord has made!!!!! It is a day a freedom and a day for thankfulness for his grace, mercy and for being such a Good Good Father!!!!

The last few weeks, actually must my life I have suffered depression. No matter how good life was there was this emptiness, this sadness, this overwhelming feeling I was alone. Last week I fell at my lowest point…… Thoughts of suicide. I know so many are surprised to hear this knowing that I am the girl who jokes, puts on a smile and tries to make people happy. However inside I was dying. I was fading away and giving up. Simply put I was listening to the lies of the devil. But Praise God …….I found the answer is Jesus Christ. I knew it all along but being as stubborn as I am I thought I got myself in this mess and I need to get myself out. But thank you Jesus You don’t see it that way. Your love for us is unconditional….no boundaries……  Isaiah 61:1 says He has come to heal the brokenhearted and set captives free. When we trust Him completely trust Him, the chains holding us back, the depression and solitude that is sinking us from joy are broken. We are finally  liberated from lies that have been programmed in our minds from an early age, and we finally begin to see things from God’s point of view. We begin to see that our needs, desires, and overall well-being rest, our peace, our sound mind, are  securely in the arms of a loving heavenly Father. So all we have to do is lay back. Lay back in his arms and rest and allow him to take control of all aspects of our lives.

So today I ask are you feeling the depressed, do you fell like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, do you have anxiety or anger? I am telling you…….literally pick up those chains……lift them high and through them as far as you can and look to Jesus. He is there waiting simply waiting for us to surrender.

Your sister in Christ, Darlene #FreeFreeAtLast

Have you ever asked yourself this question? Well I have recently. Getting up out of bed is a struggle. So many people look at me and think I have it all together and they see a smile on my face, but inside I am broken. Inside I am questioning so many things. This season in my life I am filled with hopelessness, emptiness, sadness that seems unbearable. I have been diagnosed with “major depression disorder” and them words alone makes me feel like I am a failure and I have let God down in some way.  I feel my life is crumbling around me and it hurts because I should not feel this way.

This morning I woke up with the weight of the world just crushing my chest. I have four beautiful children, and grand children that make my world beautiful, I have a husband who loves me with and endless love, and a Savior who bottle every single tear and walks with me every day. So why on earth do I feel this way.

I have prayed and cried out to God and ask him to help me get a brighter vision, to foresee a future that is joyous. I quote Psalm 43:5 Why am I sad? Why an I so troubled? I will put my hope in God, and once again I will praise him, my savior and my God. However all I hear is quietness. I told the Lord that I have always been an outgoing person with a personality that lights up a room thanks to him. But these days my life and heart is completely overwhelmed.

I have quotes promises that “tears may last for the night but joy comes in the morning.” But it seems like I am so deep into this pit of sadness it seems so hard to see God bring joy back. So people have told me “this to shall pass”, but seriously in the middle of this trial I am going through, this spiritual battle that is bringing to my rope’s end them words just bounce off.

Then yesterday as I laid in bed I thought about the mothers who wonder how they are going to feed their children, I thought about the ladies who have lost the loves of their lives, I thought about the precious people fighting cancer everyday with hope of a cure. Then I wondered with all these real problems why should I be the whiner.

This morning I read the scripture: Revelation 2:14 He will wipe away all tears from their eyes. There will be no more death, no more grief or crying or pain. The old things have disappeared. I so look forward to that day.

So today I ask God’s people to pray not only for me but for all those who are suffering from any kind of depression disorder. This is a real thing and a life struggle. However I know with everything in me that God gives the greatest battle to his greatest soldiers. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the God I serve is in the healing business.

Thank You God for Your Grace!!!!

This week is a struggle….how many can relate? However regardless of how much life hurts I have chosen to remember that through God’s kindness and mercy he adopted me as His child. Although I may feel like I am on the outside looking in on my family and friends and feeling completely solitaire I choose to remember that He is with me. No matter how many of my mistakes or failures come to haunt me I choose to remember that he has freed me. He has forgiven me and wiped my sins away.

I will admit at this time my breath has been knocked out of me, my joy has somewhere disappeared, and my motivation is gone. I admit that on my knees and I am broken. But I also understand that this is a valley, and with every valley there is always a mountain top in sight.

So today I am asking God’s people to pray for me. Pray for peace of mind, pray that in this crazy world I find my place, I find the strength to not only forgive but to lend a hand to my enemies. Help me look through the eyes of Christ and not through the eyes of hurt.

Heavenly Father,

I come to you today broken, shattered and hurting. So many people don’t understand but I know you do. I ask you to forgive me for sinning against you and only you. Forgive me for breaking your heart. I pray for my family and for my friends …help them experience your love as their heavenly Father and feel truly free. Thank you for your grace and thank you in advance for giving me strength to endure this valley and come out a better person and better servant for you.

Love you

In Jesus Name Amen

Some of you are probably asking what in the world does “redonkulously: mean. Well one of my favorite shows is Duck Dynasty and that is where I learned that word. It means bigger than anything we could ever imagine.

Lately I have looked at my life and I see things where I have failed miserably at. I have had days where the pressure of this world has just made angry raise up it awful head and I said things I am ashamed of. I have heard lies from people I love and read post that just ripped my heart into and it has just shattered my self-confidence. I have looked at our country and have seen horrific crimes just makes me wonder where love is, where the America pride is.

Then today as I was reading I read ” O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me.” Everything!!!! Some people think they know me but they really don’t. They don’t know the hurt I hide inside, or the tears I cry on my pillow, or the weight I carry for my children, or the sadness in my heart for America, they don’t know the steps I take to try to be the best person I can be for the Lord. They don’t know how many times I have to get back up and brush myself of and begin again.

So today I just want to share with you a few thoughts. These things I too have to learn to apply to my life. The first is God knows you…He really knows you. He knows every hair on your head, he know every thought you have, he knows every tear you cry, and he bottles them…..(now that’s amazing). He knows the you in public but he also knows the you that no one else sees. And he loves you!!! He loves you redonkulously!!!!! Bad days, good days, happy or sad days he loves you!!!

Heavenly Father,
There are so many days that I feel like a failure. I feel like I let so many people down. There are days I fell all alone and not worth the time of day. And I am sure in this big world there are so many others who feel this way. Lord I ask you today to reach down and wrap your arms around us and let us know that you love us REDONKULOUSLY!!!! Let us always remember that no matter what happens, no matter how we feel, no matter what is going on in our lives it does not change the love you have for us. In Jesus name Amen!!!!!!!

These are the hardest words that I know. How many of you would agree? However as Christian we are held at a higher standard. Christ expects us to admit our wrongs and apologize. Sometimes it hurts because we might have felt wronged, but then other times we where totally in the wrong.

David is a prime example of this. “And David’s heart smote him after that he had numbered the people. And David said unto the LORD, I have sinned greatly in that I have done: and now, I beseech thee, O LORD, take away the iniquity of thy servant; for I have done very foolishly.” -2 Samuel 24:10 You have to realize that in this verse David did exactly what God had completely detested. He told him not to do this, however he did it anyways. And once he did his heart was weighted down with guilt.

I did this in my life many times I am sure. God has told me to love unconditionally….but do I??? Do I always love beyond even uncomfortable boundaries. He told me to be slow to speak and listen…..but no I do not do that always either. He always asked me to weigh my words according to his word before I speak and do I do that always. No!!!! My heart has weighed very heavily lately. I hurt someone who was important to me, who was family. Yes I could make excuses for my behavior and yes I could try to pass off blame….but God would not expect me to do that. So today I ask God for strength to do what I should have done years ago and simply say…” I was wrong, I am so sorry for hurting you and I had no excuse and I will not make one for my behavior and I pray someday you will forgive me.”

Trust me easy it was not. I had to swallow my ego and hardheadedness and do what the Lord expects out of his children and let them see him in me. It isn’t about me, it isn’t about you…it is about the King of Kings who we are suppose to represent.

Heavy Father,
In this day and time life is hard, and tempers flare, and words get spoken….but I ask you today to speak to your people, your children and let them understand that when a word is spoken it cause damage and sometimes the damage cannot be undone. So help us, strengthen us to be the children you have called us to be.

Forever your servant,

Darlene

Life is hard!!!!! That’s what my parents would say when I was a teenager wining about my little problems. Never in a million years did I expect that as a parent life was truly that hard. However, I truly do understand them wise words today.

The last few years for my husband and I life has knocked the breathe out of us. Finances, family, friends, work, and just facing everyday issues. Can anyone relate? I am not going to cushion it there has been time that we have just thought about throwing in the towel. we have thought to ourselves….”walking the narrow road God has called us to walk should not be this hard.”

The last month or so I have been completely exhausted, no energy at all. I have slipped numerous times, and have fallen face first in this world. Ashamed I am. I have felt completely broken, shattered inside. You know the feeling of barley hanging on??? I have literally fell to my knees completely out of breath…..crying asking God is there any relief in sight. I have been pushed to the breaking point by people I love with my whole heart. Trying so hard to not let the things they say or do effect to the point of walking away from them.

The today as I was driving to get paychecks I hard a song that ministered to me….part of the song that stuck with was “I am not going anyway….This is far from over……devil you haven’t seen the last of me.” I just started proclaiming regardless of what my husband and I have went through the last couple of years God has kept us and will continue to do so. Proclaiming to the enemy that we are not going anywhere……. God has equipped us with forgiveness, grace, long-suffering, joy, and His Holy Word!!!

Philippians:13  I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

So enemy get use to it….wear yourself out…. however it wont stop us because we are on a road traveling home and there is nothing…..absolutely nothing that you can do to stop us from reaching that destination!!!!!! Suck it up it is far from over!!!!!!

Heavenly Father I want to come to you today just simply to say Thank You, thank you for keeping me, thank you for holding on to me when I thought I just couldn’t go any further. Thank you for wrapping your arms around my husband and I and strengthening us at our very weakest moments. Thank you Lord for not giving up on us. Thank you for strength to take another step even when we couldn’t see the reason to go on. Thank you for your forgiveness, your love, your mercy, your grace. I love you Jesus…….

The other day I read a post on line that completely broke my heart into a million pieces. I was mad, upset, yet terrified, and bewildered all at the same time. How could someone post lies that could hurt another person and not give one thought about the damage just a few words will do. Especially from someone you love with your whole heart……Oh did I want to react, give my side, and say what the truth really was……. But deep in my heart I knew I could not do that. I serve a God that fights my battles, that knows the truth, I don’t have to react to this craziness God will take care of it. Then the last few days I have been just sorta walking through life…struggling to get motivated……..struggling on reading my bible……struggling to worship my Good Father……. Even as I would thank God for another day and worship him I struggled……. I simply came to a place where all I wanted to do was climb in bed and watch endless hours of TV. Escape from the pain, escape from disappointments, and just enjoy a dull, mindless day blanketed in self-pity—.

Well today my heart literally feel apart when the thought that went through my brain today was……………..I just feel like I am going through the motions. Going to church, praying, helping people, and even attending worship does not even energize me anymore, “I’m tired of doing stuff. I’m living a religion, I feel completely lifeless anymore. I cannot even help my wayward kids, I at a complete stand still Lord………I’m tired, I weary, I am fed up.

Gosh was my heart broke. How could I ever feel this way after all my Heavenly Father has done? What is wrong with me, what is going on? Simply put……He spoke to my heart and let me know……”I am in my pity stage”……”Poor Poor me Stage”. The Lord is honest when you ask and listen. He has been speaking to me in several different ways today that sometimes his children have to go through valleys to realize how wonderful the mountain tops are. He allows us to feel broken for our own good. So we can regain some qualities like humility, compassion, gratefulness, kindness, and unconditional love.

Oh but he wasn’t done….God good like that……He reminded me that I could not go upon how I felt…. I had to believe……. Rita Springer a wonderful woman of God sings a song called I have to believe…here are the lyrics:

Rita Springer – I Have To Believe lyrics

I have to believe That He sees my darkness I have to believe He knows my pain I have to lift up My hands to worship….Worship His name I have to declare That He is my refuge I have to deny That I am alone I have to lift up My eyes to the mountain It’s where my help comes from Oh yeah He said that He’s forever faithful He said that He’s forever true He said that He can move mountains If He can move mountains He can move my mountain He can move your mountain, too Oh, I have to stand tall When the wind blows me over I have to stand strong When I’m weak and afraid I have to grab hold Ahold of the garments The garments of praise I know, I know, I know Cause He said that He’s forever faithful And He said that He’s forever true He said that He can move mountains If He can move mountains He can move my mountain He can move your mountain, too I have to sing praise When the hour is midnight He unlocks these chains That bind up my soul My sin and my shame He has forgiven and made me whole Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Cause He said that He’s forever faithful And He said that He’s forever true He said that He can move mountains He said that He can move mountains He said that He can move mountains If He can move mountains He can move my mountain He can move your mountain, too I have to believe I have to believe He’s got everything under control I have to believe Lord, I believe Help my unbelief I have to believe in You I have to believe.

So today……my prayer is Lord help me help my children by giving them completely to him. Not half way but completely giving them to him. Give me strength to be the example they need to see in a mother. Help me stay strong in difficult times and help me remember that they have been taught your word and you promised it will not come back void. Lord forgive me for looking at the shadows in my life instead of looking at the light he provides. Forgive me for worrying about gossip and horrible things people are repeating that are not true. Because you are just and you are already in motion to hush the rumors and lies. Forgive me for allowing difficult times to weigh me down so much…. Heavenly help me to remember that you are mighty you are great and there is nothing you cannot do. My children will be whole again, my children will praise you for complete deliverance. Also Lord I pray for all the parents that are going through similar situations….I pray that they too realize that in you are the answers, in you is the deliverance of their children…and in you is where they need to be.

In Jesus Name…….Amen

Forever His Servant

I laid awake last night  with things running through my mind and I over heard Pastor TJ Jakes preach a sermon. It was about a man who was born blind. Jesus one day paid him a visit and healed him. After he was healed he went out and he had a whole new kind of problem awaiting…..people questioning him on how he was healed, how he could see. They questioned him and questioned him, yes eve his family……but I love his answer……..John 9: 25  He replied, “Whether he is a sinner or not, I don’t know. One thing I do know. I was blind but now I see!”

You know I can relate with this blind man, as I am sure all of us could. At one time I was completely blind to the things of God, and sadly still today sometimes I let the noise of this world blind me still. I never had peace, I was completely weary of life, my heart was broken, I was not walking but running down the wrong road. I hurt so many people. And now people are still standing there didn’t you use to drink? Aren’t the girl who was very out spoken and down right hateful? Aren’t you the lady who wanted to just give up on life??? And it finally hit me last night……..they don’t question me to hurt me…….. the devil tries to get them to question me to tear me down and allow reproach come to my Lord.

It is okay not to know all the when, wheres, and hows……….it okay to not have all the right words, all he wants us to do is keep proclaiming to the world………All I know is now I can see…………

Lord I come to you today and ask you to give us a knew vision. Let us begin to see things as if we were looking through your eyes. Help us realize that we won’t have all the answers but what we do have is the ability to to pray for guidance from you. And Lord give your people the boldness they need in this day and time to PROCLAIM ALL I KNOW IS NOW I CAN SEE AND ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE YOU TO THE ONE WHO GAVE ME MY VISION BACK>>>>>>>>>>

Forever your servant,

Darlene

Living in this day in time is very hard to say the least. You mess up people hold it against you. If you are not completely like them they reject you. If they know about your past they recap it for you. Not knowing the harm, it causes, or not caring.

In my life I have done many things that I am not proud of. Even today I have done a few things that I wish I could take back…but sadly in life there is no take backs. I am sure we could all look back and are ashamed of some of the things we have said or done. And I am completely sure that some of them are being held against you today. The world today don’t focus on the good you have done, or how you have changed, they focus a lot on your mistakes and your failures. Been there and have felt that hurt. Sadly they don’t know that we beat ourselves up more than they can imagine we need no help in this area.

That is why the story in John 4 about the woman at Jacobs well speaks to me on a personal level. In my past like I have said I have done things that I am completely ashamed of. Thought things that I would never speak. Just like her went through great lengths to hide myself from people because I knew they knew what I done and I knew they would only see that. Not the person I have become. But the good thing like her I met Jesus!!!!!

He knew it all…….my sins, my thoughts, my mistakes, my words, my flaws, my hang up, my weaknesses…….and yet He loved me!!!!!!! I loved the verse where she goes to the very people that she tried so hard to stay away from because they would not leave her past behind……..and says “ come see a man who told me about everything I have ever done.” You know they already knew……but she told them. Why???? Because what she was really saying is that he knew and he still loved her.

I think like her I just want to tell some people today in this world that it is okay to mention my mistakes….it is okay to call me out…….but it also okay to still love me. I am not perfect, I am not flawless…..I am a masterpiece in the process of the Lord God. What the world today needs to learn that’s it is ok to love someone with the truth…….actually it is impossible to truly love someone and not deal with their past. We all have a past, we all have imperfections, we all have cracks, and scars……but you know what we are all still loved just the same, and we should all love each other just like Christ.

Heavenly Father, I thank you today that you stopped and spoke to me. That you knew me for who I was and loved me anyways. I thank you that my past did not dictate who I was to you. But most of all I thank you that you forgave me, that you called me out on my sin and still do today and keep me striving for better for a closer walk in you. Lord I pray today that if someone feels like they need to hide like they need to desolate themselves because of their past … Lord speak to them in this very moment and show them I know ….. and You still love them. Also Lord help the people in the world today that holds the things of the past against others…. Let them see that the past is the past…the furture is what is important…the person is who we should be looking at not what they have done or who they were but what they can become. In Jesus name

Forever his servant

I look around at a world that I just don’t understand. They try so hard to imitate each other. Good or bad. Sadly I have been there. Last night one of my friends ask me, “Darlene how are you doing?” I simply replied….”you know the feeling you get when you feel like the odd girl out. Just not good enough to be part of the crowd…..well that is where I am right now.” Trust you me not a good placed to be. I have somehow manage people to steal my spirit, my joy, I have started to desolate myself from everyone. I use to be vibrant, laughing and joking, proud to be who I was….but somehow I have seen myself through their eyes and have began to not like me….. 🙁

Well not anymore. I am uniquely designed. One of a kind. I have ask the Lord to give me a backbone……if people want me to change not gone to happen…If God wants me too…that’s a whole different story. I have been asking God to help me overlook hurtful things people say to me….They don’t have to like everything I am…what I do, how I act, how I talk, because God designed me and he designed me for his purpose not theirs.

So this new me might be too much for some….but I am sick and tired of allowing the devil to beat me down….I am a masterpiece in God’s eyes. I have a few chips, a few cracks, and scraps but that is what make me unique, that’s what makes me ….ME!!!!

1 Samuel 16:7 says “Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart!!” So world watch out I am a new creature, a new woman, with new ways, with new words, with a new spark. I am a woman who has been graced from my Father in heaven to have a new beginning and a new way to look at me!!!!

Dear God,

I know I have allowed so many things to hinder me…and that is my fault. I shouldn’t have let the enemy get into m head, and for that I ask for forgiveness. I pray tonight for the ones that feel this way in this horrible world. I pray that they too come to you for their image lift …  that they realize too they are a masterpiece. I also pray for the people who are negative all the time….constantly criticizing people and not knowing the damage they are doing. I pray that they realize that you made all kinds of different designs, different masterpieces……and just because they may not like one thing about them….well let them remember they too have their own flaws…..and help them work on theirs instead of hurting others. Our world needs you now more than ever in their hearts !!!!

In Jesus name