A Lord's Lady's Thoughts

Isaiah 49:23, “Then you will know that I am the LORD. Those who hope in me will not be disappointed.”

Thankful that the God of hope holds my hand. I have let doubt after doubt flood my mind…..however even though I’m flawed he still gives me hope and confidence that my family, my children will be whole again. Satan has to flee. For eight years now our family has dealt with drug addiction…….it has made my husband and I fell like horrible parents. But you know what God has comforted me this week and simply said I am here. No matter the problem I face he’s right there walking with me and strengthening me. Even though I may feel overwhelmed at times……he’s there!!!!!! And trust me that is priceless to know.

One of my favorite stories in the Bible is Jehoshaphat. He was about to take on one of the biggest battles in his life. Three armies at once was coming to destroy him. To the human eye there was no way he could defeat them. But to he run away scared, did he complain, did he give up????? That would be a big fat NO!!!!!!! He just looked up and said (paraphrased) Lord I cant do this, there is no way by myself I can ask away with a VICTORY!!!!!! He just plainly said Lord I need you, and I thank you for the victory in advance. Now everyone of us face battles in life…..wayward children, divorce, gossip, finances, spiritual……..etc……. But we just like he did need to tell God we need him…..but don’t stop there…..start thanking him!!!!!! Now that’s some crazy FAITH!!!!!! That’s the faith we need to fight everyday trails!!!!!!!!!!
Praise God!!!!!!!!!!!!

I woke up today with tears waiting to fall. It’s like I am just fighting to breath. This time I literally have had my breath knocked out of me. I am grieving the loss of my child to the prison system. I am trying so hard to prepare myself for what lies ahead but my tears overwhelm me. I honestly don’t have any words in me to encourage me…. but I know God hears my heart ❤️

An extremely rough evening. 7:30 phone rings asking me to accept a collect call from North Central Regional Jail. I do. And I hear my little girl crying her heart out because she has loss all hope. I couldn’t help no matter what I told myelf I fall completely apart. My tears were usstoppable even now as I write myh heart is aching. I hate drugs, I hate the devil, and I am mad at so called friends who enabled her to do drugs. Knowing that it is a very high probablity that I wi…ll not be able to hug my daughter or kiss her chick for a veryn long time is such an awful feeling. It hurts!!!!! As I cried tonight she kept saying mom im sorry im so sorry, please dont cry. nBut no matter her words tears were flooding my face. I can see her at seven getting ready to go to church with Grandma Phyllis, and remember her telling JP and I, come on to church with me mama. I remember seeing her smile light up the church choir when she would sing worship. I remember watching her so gracefully dance on our church dance team……..Then I can remember hearing for the first time, “your daughter is doing drugs”. My hurt broke that day and it has been breaking more more as the days go by. But honestly the brokeness I feel this eveing is none other. Where did I go wrong? Didn’t I show her that I loved her? Did I give her enough attention? Why couldn’t I fix her and or help her enough before this? Tonight as I sat and read my devotion…….it was about sitting still. (still your heart) I just can’t seem to sit without crying in God’s precense. Then at the end of my devotional it said “ssit still and ask God any question, then wait for the answer no matter how long it takes. However to be honest my heart, emotions, and mind were out of contr All of them bits of wisdom I shared with hurting moms, all them treasured words of God I would repeat and pray over my friends….it was coming so hard to do it to me. A firery trial has fell on my front porch, hurt has landed in my house, pain has stole my smile…….thats when I realized……You are loved too Darlene, yes I heard his still small voice in my heart. It is okay to hurt, okay to cry, okay to angry, as long as I remember whose child I am and know that he has great plans for me and my entire family, including my little girl. Please remember us in your prayers, and pray in the gap for my little girl Clarissa.

This letter is for any drug addicted child and My Dear Clarissa,My mind is screaming, I’m abandoning you. Even though you and I know you’re all grown up, but to me, no matter what you’ll always be my baby. And the truly biggest problem for me is as a mom my mom-nature is to protect you from a world of wickedness, a world where deceit seems so naturual, and selfishness is a way of life. I looked into your eyes so many times and all I see a broken little girl. But you need to …close your eyes and realize that when your broken your parents, brother, and sister is broken also. I can sit here and think: if you had a cold I could tuck you in bed give you chicken noodle soup and nurse you back to health. But meth has literally stole you from me. Tonight I don’t even know if your inside in the warmth……And although I have been fighting, I’m not gaining any ground because your choosing death over life, meth over family, prison over freedom. This Is the hardest fight I’ve ever fought. You Clara are my precious little girl and a addict. An addict! Oh my I can barely say it. I feel so sick. I HATE that word. And yet, it is so very true. Why does the truth have to be so hard? I miss you. Truly my heart is breaking. I so want too feel your hug? Hear your laugh? Gosh I love your giggle …..
I don’t want you to be an addict I want you to be sober and happy I want you to fulfill all your dreams and give your heart over to God But when I close my eyes I see this addiction is sucking the life out of you. Sucking the you out of you. I’m sad for the life you could have but are missing; and I am grieving for the kidnapping of my daughter by drugs (Meth).Please Clara I beg you let me know where you are and turn yourself in and face the consequences for the choices you have made, so you can begin to mend, grow, and get rid of the title Drug Addict.
Love you to the moon and back!!!
Mom

Sitting here tonight realizing that have lost my babygirl……my little girl is gone….the baby girl I held in my arms while whispering words of wonderful Christ filled hymns of the Lord.. Gone is the little girl whose fingernails I would paint a pretty pink and you and would sing out favorite song…..I 💕love you!,,, You ❤️ me we are happy as we …..well……oh my heart is so heavy………But Gone for now are the dreams I had for your life as I watched you walk into your kindergarten room on the first day of school. Dashed are the hopes that swelled up in my heart when I saw you sing in your school’s choral concerts, as you went on your first date, as you walked down the aisle with your high school diploma in hand. How could I fathom I was watching you march toward the devastation called addiction? I just don’t understand Clarissa Adkins why you won’t let us help you……… I remember when they had to life flight you to Pittsburgh because your addiction almost swept your life away………I soon discovered it wasn’t just heroin — you relied on meth and prescription pills to numb your insecurities and life’s pain. I thought I could fix you fix your problems….I thought it would be simple. I had no idea what our family was up against…..the battle was going to tear some of family seems apart …..it would be and all at war!!!! my heart is breaking…..it shattered when I realized maybe this drug will snatch your life away. If that would happen……..my life would never ever be the same without you!!! I have seen you turn into a liar and master manipulator. You’ve learned how to twist and turn facts and situations to where we are hanging onto your life the string of hope you dangle in front of us. In the beginning, we gave you money, bailed you out of drug-induced debt, gave you rides — always giving you the benefit of the doubt because we thought you were on the road recovery. We later learned that what we were doing was called enabling. 😭
Losing you to the drugs has been like experiencing a death to me— the grief has been overwhelming. I tell you this, but you look at me expressionless, worried about your next hit. If I could sit by you while you’re using, I would tell you what each syringe does: This dose will send your mother into despair and fits of sobbing; your next hit will throw your father to his knees as he cries out in pain, “What did I do wrong?”; the next will saturate your little brother’s pillow with tears of anguish, fear and disappointment; You’ve lost your license, your car, your house and good friends. I honestly don’t know where I will go But until the day I die, I will fight to get you back and live the life I dreamed for you as you were growing up. And pray that you repent and follow your Heavenly Father

I love you, you love me, forever my baby you’ll be.

B

First I want to apologize to everyone for not posting. However, I am beginning to realize that our sickness should never define us. I have had a hysterectomy, then something went chaotic with my liver. Then my bladder and bowels stop working. Now they found arthritis in my spine and are going to do MRI because the x-ray seen some other things too and they want to be sure. I however was letting this sickness pull me into bondage again. I actually ended up smoking. Something God delivered me from long ago. I personally am ashamed of myself for allowing this to happen. Breaking God’s heart. I have repented and me and him are working to get that nasty habit out of my life.
Now that I have begun to put my life back together and quit sitting on my butt, and quit letting the devil push me around. I have decided to stand tall and let the devil know my sickness isn’t going define me no longer. Trust me there are days when I am exhausted and it hurts to even move physically and I still get down sometimes. However, I am trusting that through all of this nasty tribulation I have been through there is a reason.

Heavenly Father tonight I come to asking you to comfort the sick one that are suffering daily. Whether its physical or mental put your hand upon them and deliver them for looking a their sickness and begin to look at you. I especially lift someone I know very dearly up in prayer who tried to end her life. I am glad and I speechless that you took hand and touch the situation and kept her. Her work is not done. she has so much to do for you. In Jesus precious name….amen

Never give in.. never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense. Never yield to force.. never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy. – Winston Churchill